Saturday, February 11, 2012

A Dummy’s Guide to Cleeping

One of the least explored and most mysterious phenomena today is the legendary art of classroom sleeping. Its origins remain a mystery though it has evolved over the centuries into a much more precise art form. It is really surprising how the classroom instils a remarkable skill in people of being able to fall asleep in various positions at any time whatsoever, irrespective of what is going on around then. People sleep in the morning because it’s the morning and they sleep post-lunch because its well, post-lunch.

So far, detailed information on this subject has been very hard to come by for several reasons. For one, regular hardcore sleepers are very secretive and refuse to divulge any information and secondly, this study involves a lot of dangerous, unmentionable perils.
However, this document has been created by daring to go where a few have ventured before. Careful methodical observation of various classroom sleepers, interviews with a few masters of the ancient art, visits to some of the most dangerous places in the classroom, opinions of some of the best experts in the psycho-physio-somatic field and of course the customary joblessness have conspired to bring to you this basic handbook on the different styles of classroom sleeping which, by the way, the insiders prefer to call “Cleeping.”
The Fish Eyed Wonder : The most common mode of cleeping. Named after the fish who sleeps with its eyes open. And just like the fish there are sea-loads, or rather, lift loads of people whose eyes remain wide open in class. However, you can almost hear their mind snoring. It also happens to be one of the safest ways of cleeping, hard to detect and harder to pin down. The only give away is the drooling and the vacant expression on the subjects’ face.
My Desk, My Pillow : The humble college desk is recognized as an International Heritage Monument by the UN (ask Koshtub if you don’t believe me). Those bumpy, scratchy, squeaky,  often colourful surfaces are testimony to the literature of entire generations as it evolved. And in that mass of graffiti, notebook, pen, i-pod, cell phone and the occasional dried chewing gum, there sometimes lies a head. Almost a dead head. Its bearer fatigued by the exploits of the previous night or unable to bear the weight of the lecture, he does an action that is common across almost all college cultures around the globe. He crooks the elbow of one hand, places it on the desk and then crashes into it, head first. Pure somatic ecstasy.
The Guerrilla’s Choice :  This one is for the cautious sleeper. The crux lies in taking advantage of the size of the person sitting in front, and ducking behind him while you doze off. It is the most mathematical and calculative method of cleeping. You need to take into account several intricacies and estimations like movement of the cover, movement of the lecturer, angle of the lecturer’s vision etc. However, beware! Great plans have been foiled simply by last minute movements of any involved persons.
On the Forefront : General opinion has been that “front benchers” never sleep. But that is usually because  General opinion is fast asleep on the occasions when the front begins to shut its eyes. Or maybe its because the front is too far away from where most people sit, so it is hard for them to see whats going on. But the point is this, front benchers do sleep. Oh yes they do. And it is a sight worth beholding when it happens. You can almost see the struggle taking place as the weary Front Bencher puts up a valiant fight against that ‘old sinking feeling’. The drooping of the eye lids, the slouching of the shoulders and the sudden jerks till sleep, that evil temptress takes over completely.  It remains, till date, the most heroic form of cleeping. Not the least because it happens right beneath some noses which have been rumoured to breathe fire.
Back to the Darkness : Back of the class . Full stop. Zzzzzz.....

(More stuff on the way)